


Illegal..

by fivour



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bottom Russia (Hetalia), Crack, Dirty Talk, Dorks, I'm Not Ashamed, M/M, Smut, Top America (Hetalia), or rather illegal meme talk i hate myself, this is the most sinful thing i have ever done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 01:58:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13753854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivour/pseuds/fivour
Summary: Ivan just can't help himself when Alfred says those two words to him.[This is completely, and utterly ridiculous crack. I hate myself, but enjoy it.]





	Illegal..

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nenepapatrash & legendary_kirin](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=nenepapatrash+%26+legendary_kirin).



Ivan would never admit how easily he gave into Alfred's whims, the feathery touches and whispered words. It could drive him mad in a matter of minutes, really. This was one of those times, and he arched his back into him while his fingers traced over his chest, teeth leaving marks along his shoulders.

He gasped when Alfred palmed him through through his slacks, humming. It was ridiculous, just how easily he could get to him, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Ivan was sure he'd have bruises all over his neck and chest tomorrow morning. Yet again, he'd never have it any other way.

"Ah, Alfred.." he bit his lip when his lover slipped a hand into his pants, smirking against his skin.

"Yeah, big guy?" Alfred teased, looking up at him. "Got a problem?"

The American looked adorable, cheeks flushed (probably just as much as Ivan's own), glasses crooked. Really, it bothered Ivan that he never took them off during sex - but to each his own, he supposed. Until they fell off in his face; then Alfred wouldn't _have_ glasses anymore. All he could manage a small shake of his head, though, and Alfred continued. He shifted to bite at Ivan's earlobe gently, kissing his cheek.

" _Zvyo..zvyozdochka*_ , talk dirty to me," his cheeks flushed when the words left his mouth, clearly embarrassed.

Dirty talk had always been one of Ivan's kinks - the surprisingly few kinks - and no one did it better than Alfred. The way he'd lower his voice, and breathe against his already-hot skin.. Ivan couldn't get enough of it. Alfred grinned, leaning into him, hand still at work at _other_ things.

"You've been a naughty boy, Ivan," the words rolled off his tongue, still fresh as if he hadn't said them before umpteen times. "You know [Sad Keanu](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/keanu-is-sad-sad-keanu) is illegal.."

While that would've killed the mood for anyone else, it merely confused Ivan. Was Alfred- was he seriously talking about _damn_ _memes_ when he was supposed to be having _sex_ with him? God, Americans.. Ivan honestly didn't know sometimes. He went with it though, letting out a low groan, and biting his lip (more to stop himself laughing than anything else). He glanced at him from the corner of his eye, noticing his face was completely serious, as if he hadn't just referenced an illegal meme*.

"Sending me the [Golden Mr. Skeleton](https://pics.me.me/me-yo-pass-the-illegal-meme-friend-u-better-not-5707678.png).." Alfred gave his jaw a nip, speaking between kisses. "It's like you want to be punished."

Ivan lifted his hips as Alfred pulled his pants down, bucking into his hand.  _'This is ridiculous. Why is he like this?'_ Ivan thought to himself, but he was much more focused on his lover's heavy breathing against his neck rather than what he was really saying. "Alfred-"

"Shh," he shushed, flicking his wrist. Ivan rutted his hips again, gasping. "What if I.. took my dick out for [Harambe](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/155/752/d59.jpg)?"

Ivan gripped his shoulder, reminding himself to ignore that. Why did he have to be such a mood killer? Though, he had to admit -- the way Alfred said those things.. it made him feel odd. _'Am I fucking turned on by memes?'_

"God, you don't know how much you turn me on," Alfred bit at his collarbone, now, and Ivan shivered. Maybe- "I'm almost as hard as making a good meme."

And there it was. Jesus Christ, there it was _again_ \-- was he going to stop that, and actually talk dirty? Ivan didn't really care as he flicked his wrist again, letting out another low sound. He gripped his shoulder, biting his lip harder. The room grew quieter after that, the only sound their grunts and Ivan's moans. It made him feel feminine, in truth, that he let someone like _Alfred_ dominate him, but if that was the way it was, he would just have to put up with it. The familiar, tight feeling sparked in his stomach, and his fingers pressed into Alfred's skin, probably leaving bruises on his shoulder.

"Illegal memes!"

"Alfred!" He came with a sharp moan, mixed with laughter. He couldn't help it -- what the fuck was this American's plan?

Alfred broke down, then, hiding his face in Ivan's shoulder as he laughed hysterically. It was just a joke but he actually.. no, no, no. It couldn't have been that, right? Memes don't make most people orgasm. Then again, Ivan wasn't most people.

"I- _my_ _God_ , Ivan, I'm-" Alfred could barely get out a sentence, snorting. "You're a dork-"

"Says you! I can't help it if I-"

"Shut up, now," he raised his head up, kissing his cheek. "No homo."

" _Alfred F. Jones!_ "

* * *

  * **Zvyozdochka** \- Russian. " _Little star._ "
  * **Illegal memes** \- The Russian media agency once made memes that are offensive to famous people's personalities illegal. [Yes, _illegal_](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2015/04/10/russia-just-made-a-ton-of-internet-memes-illegal/?utm_term=.cc32a672a4f4). I don't know how true it is today, but it's only been three years since that article was posted (not even that, yet) so I'm just going to assume it's relevant and.. you're welcome. One example they gave was Keanu is Sad, so of course I had to include it. Obviously used other memes that didn't fit that too though.



**Author's Note:**

> I have eight other stories to finish, but here we are.


End file.
